First off, I have new real estate on the internet, and I will blogging primarily here now: http://emilyabenton.com
Yes, that’s my real name, and I’m sorry for keeping it hidden for the most part here. And I know it’s a real pain in the rear to edit your Blogroll or RSS feeds once more, but please, if you will, add that address to it. I’ve already added most of your links there. However, you don’t have to erase Reality Writes, as I may be back here from time to time (especially next fall…see below). But the other blog will now be my main locale. It’s slightly different, although a more cohesive version of my self(selves), I think.
I’ve spent the majority of Reality Writes talking about my MFA application experience, and I’m thankful to have had that outlet. Some of you may be relieved to find that my new blog will not include any of that. But for those who have been following, here’s my other major announcement:
I’m not going to school this fall.
I heard from the director at UNCG on Monday and he said they won’t have any openings for me to move up from the waiting list. They will, however, help me defer my application to next year so I can avoid resending paperwork and fees and already be, theoretically, at the top of the stack. The director also kindly offered to help me pick a list of other schools to apply to that will better match my portfolio and are more likely to give me funding.
I know some of you are scratching your heads as to why I have not taken one of my other acceptances, because they certainly were good ones – great ones, even. But I learned through gut instinct and long, hard (ow! It hurts!) thinking that they were not the right places for me. Some of the factors leading up to that decision include the lack of funding and an overall feeling that I would be too distracted or too isolated in the communities hosting these programs. On the other hand, when I visited UNCG, I felt overwhelmingly comfortable around the people I met there (for reasons of similarity and also diversity), with the low-pressure lifestyle of Greensboro, and also with what the funding situation would have been for me had I gotten off the waitlist. Had I not visited Greensboro, I could have very well ended up taking another offer and probably done OK in a program, although I think it would have been really hard for me to get by financially – or at least without a heavy burden and lots of stress – and I also don’t think I would have fully “fit in” with those programs. That isn’t to diss anyone at these schools – they certainly were welcoming and I’m grateful to everyone who gave me a glimpse into their MFA experience. It was only by comparison of those programs with UNCG’s that I gained a lot of perspective about what my needs were for an MFA – some things I couldn’t have known from merely filling out applications and researching websites, although I do think I put more time into that than most people.
I’ve run into many friends lately – the ones who’ve heard me decline offers to hang out because I was working on applications, or have heard my voice shakey with the excitement of the possibly studying with X writer at X school – and when I tell them my news, they tilt their heads and ask, “Are you OK?”
It’s a perfectly valid question to ask considering how passionate I’ve been about every step of this process, and how much I felt was at stake when I put those fat envelopes in the mail. But my answer is Yes, I’m OK. I don’t feel defeated. Maybe I would feel that way had I not been accepted anywhere. But considering the places that did accept me, I feel a little empowered. I know now that I am good enough to do this. I know that I can be competitive with my art, even though I’m young and not as experienced as many other writers out there. I know I have more choice in the process.
And although I’m not going to school this year, I’m left in a good place. I don’t hate my job; it gives me enough cushion to get by and not have a miserable life full of worry. (In other words, it’s not like I’m being kicked out of a dorm room without a clue what to do. I’ve been on my own for a few years now, and I’ve got this independence thing down.) I’ve also in the past month or so met some writers who are giving me the feedback and exchange I’ve needed. I can now workshop with them and warm up those muscles that were getting pretty tense and out of shape a year ago. I also lost my professional freelance blog, which at first was a slap in the face because I wasn’t expecting it to end so early, but I now see it as a “blessing in disguise,” to quote my mother. It’s the kick in the head I needed, and it’s freed up a lot of time in my schedule to work on poetry or other forms of writing. I’m going to focus now on spreading my byline wider, while also pushing myself to write poems I was saving for the MFA experience. (I know, that was a completely stupid way to approach my writing. But I was letting fear, recognition, and other commitments get the best of me.)
So, at this point, I will be applying for MFA programs again in the fall, but I’m going to take my time getting back to the paperwork. I spent way too much of last year obsessing over the details before the clock was even ticking to turn stuff in. Not to mention, I already have half of the work done, right? 
I may re-apply to a few schools, but there will be a lot of new players in this year. I’m certainly not going to settle for just applying to UNCG. I’m going to throw my net wider, but I also may not apply to as many places. I won’t have fallback schools. This round will be more of a poker game, rather than throwing paper at the wind.
So yeah, I’ll be coming back here to write about the whole MFA process again, because – and this is really important – I can’t talk about it on my other website. That means you can’t talk about it there either, and I’ll delete any comments that bring it up. The reason is that my boss and other coworkers may read that blog since it’s easier to find (by name) and I’m promoting it more, and I don’t want them to get the idea that I’m on my way out and fire me for it. And as far as I know, I could end up not going to school next year either, or dropping the whole plan to live a “normal” life without a graduate degree. So I don’t want to raise any red flags. Capiche?
But thank you for reading this incredibly self-indulgent blog post – and all of Reality Writes – and for reading my new website if you so choose to subject yourself to more me. I could try to leggo my ego and chill for a bit, but that wouldn’t be Reality, would it?
