So this summer is going by quicker than I imagined. I’m getting a little antsy since I should be picking up my applications one by one and putting them in the mail five months from now. And I’ve yet to be physically/mentally capable of scheduling my GRE exam, so that has to be done as well.
However, I have spent the greater part of July writing and editing poems. Scott was out of the country for two weeks. At first I thought with him gone I would lock myself inside and spend hours writing – as if he is ever stifling my creativity. I did have more time to write – especially on the weekends – but I also spent a great deal of my time hanging out with everyone and their brother, partying, and picking up smoking again (whoops.) In essence, I reverted to the single life.
But I learned that my relationship wasn’t getting in the way of my writing life – I just get in the way of my writing life. I make choices to not spend a few hours here or there to get things done in the privacy of my own home or elsewhere when I’m not at work. I make decisions to say “yes, come over” when I should say “give me more time.” I have also acknowledged that I am a social being – that locking myself at home for weeks just to write, clean or whatever doesn’t suit my personality. I like to go out. I need to take breaks. But just as I schedule dinner dates, I have to schedule my writing time.
So this is to say that, even though I do not have all my MFA application materials squared away, I have at least been doing well at being a writer. I’ve developed habits I will need for intense graduate study, and for what will follow – or in worst circumstances - what will get me through another year if I end up not going to school next fall. I have read and written more in the past year than I ever have outside the academic setting. And I have disciplined myself through the writing block I thought I would face while in a longer-term relationship (which has also been full of other self-revelations.)
And for a huge chunk of this month, at least, I’ve paused a bit from stressing over applications and just focused on the writing that will get me into a program. Because I could be the best test taker or applicant maneuverer, but if I get into a program and cannot function and grow at the speed of everyone else (not to mention the outside world of writers), then what’s the point?
